If I ever have to choose between my heart and mind, I’d choose heart, time and again, always! The only reason is that the mind creates illusions, heart doesn’t; heart on the contrary is naïve it believes what it sees, and it doesn’t know reasoning. Even this time I chose to listen to my heart, and I am glad I did. Happiness I’d find you even in the dreariest of places, but sanity I need peace to find you. Four years, almost and it seems like I was losing a grip on life, existence had become painful and disdainful. So while I was amidst the struggle, he showed an exit, and life, an opportunity. Finally I could be someone more than I had imagined. Took me sometime, more than a month but I bounced back! Yes, this is me and such is life, I have been blessed with forgetfulness, I forget what makes me unhappy.
I came to senses and how is what I have segregated in parts, read if you’re going through a tough time. Maybe this will make sense.
Part 1- Denial
Bad things happen, we all get jolted by a sudden shocking episode that makes us or breaks us. We can’t stop the inevitable and we all understand that part yet when it eventually occurs we can’t believe it really happened to us. Yes, so I really couldn’t believe it. I am not a bad person, I didn’t deserve what happened, but it did and those I thought were close allies turned out to be too scared to stand by. So this was life asking me to accept them, eventually we are all looking out for ourselves. I still couldn’t believe the reality and this denial went on for a while, until I made it unbearable for those who loved me.
Part 2 – Realisation
As you grow old you realise you will be hurt time and again by almost everyone, at some point or the other, but eventually it’s a choice. You may or may not want to feel hurt especially if the person hurting has a temporary role in your life. Someone once told me, nothing’s permanent and now I understand even feelings aren’t. So I am over the hurt. I was sad, mostly angry but the anger within was consuming my self esteem. Every day I got up I felt emptier than before, it’s a depressing feeling. On some days I couldn’t sleep, and on the others I just wouldn’t wake up. This perpetual dialogue of why, how, and when, with the soul inside acted as a major obstacle. I knew I had to come to senses before sanity made peace with the incorrigible madness, but I didn’t know how to do it. At least I knew I was getting somewhere, I recognised the problem. Took me a lot more than I can actually pen down, but I learnt that I couldn’t let the temporary affect the permanent. What has happened is in the past, I couldn’t ruin a beautiful future sitting and moping. I decided to let go…
Part 3- love
Love is a generic word but it really helped. Actually, it always helps. Every time I wander away, it’s the love of people in my life that shows me the way back. So while I was struggling with my issues and felt utterly worthless my husband never let me astray. He let me contemplate but didn’t let me go. This is one reason I bounced back quicker than most. So, every time you feel challenged find that one soul, we all have that someone we can fall back on. Let them take care of you, let them guide you. No matter how wounded or vulnerable I am, I always feel strong with him around, find that source of constant energy. I am glad I held on, and I am glad he let me.
So having said that, I know things won’t stay the same always, happiness will still be ephemeral and I will still have my weak moments but I also know that I won’t give up. I won’t let my weakness take the best of me, rather I’d let it make me strong. I will get depressed again and again I will feel incompetent but I will have to learn to trust myself. I have existed and survived and it’s not something I cannot do anymore.
My world came crashing down again
I realised once again I was betrayed
How, I didn’t know.
Why I had a faint idea.
I can’t afford to be a know it all,
The ball isn’t anymore in my court
I have been let down and I wish I could let them down,
The cycle still incomplete
I am stuck at the turnaround.
Move it, I screamed,
inside my head.
Move on, I cried,
“You’re better than that, you always were”,
The forlorn heart tries to help.
But the lies too sharp
Gnawed at my heart
I was stuck, the limbs felt numb,
The reality harsh,
It really hurt.
I had met the sayers,
But the doers were dead…
They said something and did something else instead,
I understood conspiracies,
Once after they were hatched,
As I sat, all by myself.
Finally I started to solve the puzzle,
Every piece that fit,
Left me a tad more bewildered.
I understood the lies stacked,
And the people involved,
I could count them on my fingers before,
I eventually moved on,
I wouldn’t forget them or what they had done,
I will keep them in my memory,
Till their deeds come undone.
And when finally we meet,
I will look through them,
Like they never were a part of my realm.
He was scouring it off his chest,
Scrubbing it sporadically,
Still the specs remained…
Specs of immorality, they’d just not go away,
No matter how hard he tried.
For once, love meant more than longing,
But the time was slipping away
His love wasn’t enough,
Nothing that he did would ever be enough,
She was rushing away
Leaving behind the memories,
That still felt fresh,
The lies that he concealed in the darkest corner of his heart,
Came through today.
Disbelief shrouded the love,
& every moment spent together,
Stabbed her heart,
The love that she thought belonged to her,
Was never truly hers…
As she finished packing the last,
He waited outside with his soul undone…
She walked out inconsiderate,
Disgust replaced the affection in her eyes,
She truly loved him once, but
He lost it all in one night.
Just like a tree rooted to the ground,
You have sheltered me from the troubles around.
When I look into your eyes,
My heart instantly smiles,
You’re still the same man,
Without a single vice.
This is what they call sincere love.
You’ve been the only constant,
In this ever-changing world.
You’ve been my sense and my nerve,
And the heartbeat, that constantly flutters.
You’ve pulled me up at my lowest &
Pushed me ahead when I froze,
You loved me at the weakest &
Appreciated me when I rose.
I am glad destiny brought us close &
I am glad our lives entwined,
I hope you remain my one true constant,
Even when I am done with life!
You can’t be both,
A happy mother & a successful working mom,
There was never such a thing as above,
Make a choice, you will have to,
When you grasp the tiny finger,
Withdraw, you can’t be happy forever…
Teach her to love,
Then teach her a thing about separation…
Soon she will get used to the absence, but would you?
Every day I leave her, I put up a brave face,
I am scared to get too used to her smiles,
I need to focus,
The reality is vile.
You’re not just a working mother,
You’re also a working woman,
So every moment is a challenge,
& the logics are weighed on a patriarchal scale.
I want to compete with men,
Be just like them,
Then I remember she must be waiting
& expecting this stranger anytime,
There is so much I will never be able to do,
Because I still can’t make a choice,
Her love is stronger &
So is my pride.
Does every mom choose?
Or does it come easy to them,
Are they allowed a refuge or
Are they always confused?
I still want both the worlds,
Someday, maybe she will understand,
Why I left her behind the doors &
Why I could never take a stand.