At my narcissistic best

I realise I am conceited, I have been told so.
I know my reality, maybe you don’t know.
My struggles smothered me,
And lies soothed me at a time when the possible was slipping away from my fingers…

Most of what I see is a mirage,
The reality obscure and imagination captivating
The diaphanous glass lets me touch my nebulous reflection,
It’s faint yet overbearing.
I realise I am conceited, I have been told so.
I know my reality, maybe you don’t know.
My struggles smothered me,
And lies soothed me at a time when the possible was slipping away from my fingers…
I don’t display much, and what you perceive is a lie.
My rules may be slightly outrageous and possession extreme,
But my life has been blotched, yours I understand is pristine.
Don’t weigh me on the same scale,
My worries have made me heftier.
I am better than you I believe, even though my wallet is emptier.
I may not react to anguish in the same manner as you…
I have learnt to live like this, no matter how crude!
Judge me, criticize me and call me what you do,
But remember that my world is my own,
& my feelings too!!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya


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Under the Thriving Brown

I was bounded by the soil, when they buried me deep.
For years I was undisturbed,
Then one day he woke me up, from the profound sleep.

I think its sunset, I sense he is around…
I wait like I constantly do,
Under the thriving brown.

He writes poetries and sometimes he narrates them to me,
I just nod or smile in approval,
I am not even sure he ever perceives…

I know so much about him, and that he doesn’t know,
I know who crushed his heart,
The girl he planned to propose.

He always sits on a bench tarnished with age,
Sometimes he sits on the grass and
Plays with its blades.

I wonder if he knows, that I exist too,
I have always loved him,
Maybe not in form, but in a different hue…

He is withdrawn, and hardly stable.
There is much pain in his prose,
Makes him distant and unapproachable…

On some days I have wanted to come out of hiding,
To tell him, how good he is, but I can’t…
My soul will follow him through but my being shan’t!

I was bounded by the soil, when they buried me deep.
For years I was undisturbed,
Then one day he woke me up, from the profound sleep.

He doesn’t know yet, that he sits on a grave,
I don’t intend to scare him, I feel he is brave,

I know he won’t fancy a carcass with no name,
But this deceased heart will still admire him,
With absolutely no aim!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

Winter is here

I find myself in

winters,

Not the one that’s dark and bleak,

But the one that knocks at the window,

Or caresses me when I am asleep.

I like the windy days, and the cold, that it transpires,

Yes, I am much in

love with winters,

I love the

wood and bonfires.

I feel love in the gush,

it’s the wind narrating stories,

Even the blade of grass stands still,

As it awaits the

dancing fairies…

I am a winter person,

As I get the warmth in chill…

Sweaters can’t contain me

My heart bleeds to see the

hills

I find myself in winters,

When I am back home, and it rains…

I forget the sorrows

I held for long,

I forget it ever pained.

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

Trying to understand my Baby girl

Poem on mother

I have so much to learn, she has so much to teach,

Her tiny grasp, & the world still out of reach…

She teaches silently, with eyes that shine like enstatite,

She notices everything acutely, she happens to have a keen sight

How her smile transforms into questions,

How she abhors what dissuades her, with apparent objection,

She’s not easy but intricate

Sometimes I read her like a passage and

Sometimes she is nothing less than an adage…

I wasn’t always strong, but she inspires me to be

She gives me that inconceivable strength

That only superhuman feel…

She trusts me more than I trust myself,

Makes me feel like I have finally excelled …

I don’t know if I was anything before she came,

She has added colours in the monochrome frame…

We will understand each other more,

As life unfolds itself,

Till then we’ll observe each other and try to comprehend as much as we can!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

 

Stuck in Time

A manuscript, and a glass of wine,

I had lost the track of time…

Surreal moments, broken tides,

I knew there was no haven to hide

My tears dry,

The pain still sharp…

I was stuck in a time warp..

My make-believe world,

Finally collapsed,

My unclothed soul, stood,

Unadorned, unabashed….

The dwellings changed and the people too,

Some consciously remained mute…

My life came to a halt, and the

Surroundings were covered by the murky fog,

Limbs paralysed, eyes wide

The senses numb,

Nowhere to run.

This is a lost fight,

It won’t get any better,

I have lost the place,

Now nothing really matters…

I have realized now,

I can’t change the future,

My world challenged,

More pain will follow…

Now, I am collecting figments,

That fragmented in the crash….

I am saving as many,

To remember the moments that, once were planned.

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

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Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

How I motivate myself – Part 1

 

Till sometime back I used to be the most pessimistic person. My behaviour made me cynical to the extent that I was viewing things from a very different perspective. I was blaming myself for anything bad that happened to me. I wasn’t ready to trust people. Life is unfair, I told myself every second of the day and it was always I who paid exorbitantly for other people’s mistake. Nothing has changed, I am still the same person but I feel different. I am still confused with the way life is progressing but I don’t blame anyone for my problems. Life will never be same, as I am growing older, I need to become wiser and I have to earn enough experience before I start trying to understand anything cosmic. I was never supposed to understand how life works. It’s mystical, we need to let it unfold on its own. I have come to believe that the reason why someone else’s life is better than mine is because they are a different person. Each one of us is a different make, we came out differently, we were moulded differently, there’s a reason why we have different DNA and unique fingerprints. I was never supposed to be Steve jobs, I am supposed to be myself and I need to celebrate my being every day.

There were things that I learnt and there are things that I am learning every day. I started by opening my mind to possibilities but I didn’t let them restrict me. I learnt that everything that I do can be done differently using various approaches. I started calculating the repercussions each possibility would have. Yes, I confused myself in the process but I learnt how to weigh the good and the bad of every situation.

I don’t conclude things in the very beginning. I give them time to progress, to mature. Till sometime back I would judge a situation as it appeared; now I wait, wait for things to mature because I have learnt that most of our actions are the artefacts of the circumstances we are in. I have come to understand that I will never know any person or a situation ever, seasons change and we need to as well, to survive, to make through the day and to exist. I now believe, if my heart doesn’t agree to someone’s behaviour, my mind will have to because that person is how he is because of his present situation. That shouldn’t affect me, it is already affecting them and I can’t burden them with an opinion.

I have learnt bad things will happen. Sooner or later we will all come across a life altering event. The severity of which will be so intense that you’d lose yourself to problems knocking down like dominoes, one after the other. These moments will be nerve wrecking, every second will test your patience. Life will come to a standstill and your mind will race marathons. I have been there, I have sat in the dark, dejected, disappointed, and depressed only to realise I was letting the worst take over my best. I realised I could either sit there forever to see the world move like a bullet train or be a part of the train and deal with my problems one by one. My problems aren’t over, I am still dealing with them, one at a time but I don’t allow them to destroy me anymore. Now, I face my problems as they come, it became easier when I realised that the pain of facing them was exactly as long and as much as the one that I faced during getting injected. They shy away the moment you face them or maybe the newly found courage amps up your morale.

So yes, as they say, giving up seems like the easier thing to do, don’t! you may make excuses and get away but the problem will remain, deep down you’d always know the truth and that will never let you live peacefully. Have patience, it’s called virtue for a reason. Take time, and don’t care, you may feel like the last in the race but for as long as you are a part of the race its OK. I am not scared of failing anymore, failures have taught me the value of the prize. The real award is peace of mind and now I focus on accomplishing that.