Being Yourself

Be sure you’re happy!

To be at a place and witness it rise and to be away and witness it fall apart…. I saw it all, as I write this I know things are surfacing. The dreams are changing and the vision is broadening. The lies have debilitated giving clear way to the truth and its happening now and it somehow makes me happy. I no longer belong to that place but I am content. Most of what I write is ambiguous and it’s difficult for people to understand, still come to think of it, we have all been at a place like that. Haven’t we? The place that didn’t exist but was made to, so that people could find comfort in the lies while the deception could benefit some. I belonged to the group that could see beyond the stories, someone who would question the statements, who’d need constant affirmations on the reasoning.

I am happy at least I saw the truth, it helped me mature. This wasn’t the only place and there will be many such instances but I select to stick with what’s right because it’s difficult to live with a prickly conscience. I may not always climb the ladder and may have to step down once or twice but I’d only come back stronger and more alive.

So, for anyone who has believed and wants to, never stop. Your audacity will be abhorred, you will be one constant target, your dreams will be made fun of but again everyone dreams yet only some remember. Keep dreaming, and keep performing but don’t forget to move on and away from what pricks your conscience because when the day turns into dark what remains is just you and your beliefs.

Be sure you’re happy!

Stronger than before

If I ever have to choose between my heart and mind, I’d choose heart, time and again, always! The only reason is that the mind creates illusions, heart doesn’t; heart on the contrary is naïve it believes what it sees, and it doesn’t know reasoning. Even this time I chose to listen to my heart, and I am glad I did. Happiness I’d find you even in the dreariest of places, but sanity I need peace to find you. Four years, almost and it seems like I was losing a grip on life, existence had become painful and disdainful. So while I was amidst the struggle, he showed an exit, and life, an opportunity. Finally I could be someone more than I had imagined. Took me sometime, more than a month but I bounced back! Yes, this is me and such is life, I have been blessed with forgetfulness, I forget what makes me unhappy.

I came to senses and how is what I have segregated in parts, read if you’re going through a tough time. Maybe this will make sense.

Part 1- Denial

Bad things happen, we all get jolted by a sudden shocking episode that makes us or breaks us. We can’t stop the inevitable and we all understand that part yet when it eventually occurs we can’t believe it really happened to us. Yes, so I really couldn’t believe it. I am not a bad person, I didn’t deserve what happened, but it did and those I thought were close allies turned out to be too scared to stand by. So this was life asking me to accept them, eventually we are all looking out for ourselves. I still couldn’t believe the reality and this denial went on for a while, until I made it unbearable for those who loved me.

Part 2 – Realisation

As you grow old you realise you will be hurt time and again by almost everyone, at some point or the other, but eventually it’s a choice. You may or may not want to feel hurt especially if the person hurting has a temporary role in your life. Someone once told me, nothing’s permanent and now I understand even feelings aren’t. So I am over the hurt. I was sad, mostly angry but the anger within was consuming my self esteem. Every day I got up I felt emptier than before, it’s a depressing feeling. On some days I couldn’t sleep, and on the others I just wouldn’t wake up. This perpetual dialogue of why, how, and when, with the soul inside acted as a major obstacle. I knew I had to come to senses before sanity made peace with the incorrigible madness, but I didn’t know how to do it. At least I knew I was getting somewhere, I recognised the problem. Took me a lot more than I can actually pen down, but I learnt that I couldn’t let the temporary affect the permanent. What has happened is in the past, I couldn’t ruin a beautiful future sitting and moping. I decided to let go…

Part 3- love

Love is a generic word but it really helped. Actually, it always helps. Every time I wander away, it’s the love of people in my life that shows me the way back. So while I was struggling with my issues and felt utterly worthless my husband never let me astray. He let me contemplate but didn’t let me go. This is one reason I bounced back quicker than most. So, every time you feel challenged find that one soul, we all have that someone we can fall back on. Let them take care of you, let them guide you. No matter how wounded or vulnerable I am, I always feel strong with him around, find that source of constant energy. I am glad I held on, and I am glad he let me.

So having said that, I know things won’t stay the same always, happiness will still be ephemeral and I will still have my weak moments but I also know that I won’t give up. I won’t let my weakness take the best of me, rather I’d let it make me strong. I will get depressed again and again I will feel incompetent but I will have to learn to trust myself. I have existed and survived and it’s not something I cannot do anymore.