One of the many resolutions of 2020….

Now this wish I’d like to fulfill; so, it turns out that missy doesn’t really want things in life, but she is only craving for experiences.

Don’t give your kids everything, I am glad my parents didn’t! I did not have everything and that yearning resulted in doing better in the future. Today I am at a threshold where I am constantly fighting my emotions. As a mother I want to give the world to my daughter and sometimes I give in to her demands but then I realize what if I had not given it to her, would she go out and invent something that she really needs.

Well, it’s about last night. Missy these days likes to play the part of a doctor and to look more convincing she wears a stethoscope that is part of a kit that was gifted to her last year. Since she has broken most of the essential elements of the kit she is left with just bare minimum. I noticed the sincerity of her actions yesterday, she had safely packed the leftovers of her kit in a plastic box and she treated my husband and I like actual patients. Then I realized because she didn’t have all the elements, she used whatever she had more creatively. The small toy burner from the kitchen set became a BP machine, pen became a syringe. She anyway proved her point with whatever little she had.

I immediately thought of buying the kit for her and then something in my mind told me not to. Shall I give her everything that she wants, or shall I let her discover, create? I decided last night that I won’t buy everything that she wants instead I will make sure she uses a makeshift arrangement and when she’s ready to accept her gift I will give it to her thankfully. Also, last night while my husband and I were busy watching a movie missy joined us in between and got so inspired by the ocean and its inhabitants that she expressed her need to go to the ocean immediately. Now this wish I’d like to fulfill; so, it turns out that missy doesn’t really want things in life, but she is only craving for experiences. Last night I slept more determined and inspired. Determined because I want to stop myself from spoiling her and inspired because my daughter is the explorer that I always wanted to be.

This year will be different from all the other years, I have decided to learn from missy and not teach her anything. I will let her guide me and I won’t force my superseded thoughts on her.

The break…

You can’t be both,

A happy mother & a successful working mom,

There was never such a thing as above,

Make a choice, you will have to,

When you grasp the tiny finger,

Withdraw, you can’t be happy forever…

Teach her to love,

Then teach her a thing about separation…

Soon she will get used to the absence, but would you?

 

Every day I leave her, I put up a brave face,

I am scared to get too used to her smiles,

I need to focus,

The reality is vile.

You’re not just a working mother,

You’re also a working woman,

So every moment is a challenge,

& the logics are weighed on a patriarchal scale.

 

I want to compete with men,

Be just like them,

Then I remember she must be waiting

& expecting this stranger anytime,

There is so much I will never be able to do,

Because I still can’t make a choice,

Her love is stronger &

So is my pride.

 

Does every mom choose?

Or does it come easy to them,

Are they allowed a refuge or

Are they always confused?

I still want both the worlds,

Someday, maybe she will understand,

Why I left her behind the doors &

Why I could never take a stand.

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

Age

The dark circles under her eyes,

Her hands coarse and wrinkled,

The furrowed eyelids gathered at one place

Her face gaunt and dimpled.

IMG_4841The dark circles under her eyes,

Her hands coarse and wrinkled,

The furrowed eyelids gathered at one place

Her face gaunt and dimpled.

 

The strong arms that once were my recluse, &

The once toned legs have thinned down,

He takes time to get up on his own

And trembles when he sits down.

 

Their bodies are now clad in loose skin,

Their gait is slow and mirth fatigued,

They take time to remember things now

I can see they are getting old and weak.

 

They don’t eat much, they don’t sleep much,

They can’t concentrate on just one thing,

Their days have become incessant &

They spend most of their nights thinking.

 

Thinking if they will be able to give,

Some more time.

If they will be able to stay,

Just a little longer.

If they can try to make our world easier,

And teach our little one about love and honour, but

 

Time is a powerful master &

We are just feeble subjects,

I never knew what age was,

Until time showed me this new aspect.

 

We are ageing now, we always were,

It’s prominent now because it’s visible.

I wish I could rewind the time and

Become that carefree girl again,

I wish I could give them back their younger days &

Take away the existing pain.

 

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Que Sera, Sera

What do you want her to be when she grows up? What would you like her to pursue? I am left with so many unaccomplished dreams that I’d want her to pursue everything that I like, yet every time I look into her eyes I realise I am facing a different person. She is a part of me but she is nothing like me. She is harboring unrealized dreams and there are many things that fascinate her, she is only 1. How can I dream anything for her? I can’t, rather I shouldn’t.
I want my baby to become anything that her heart desires. I want her to pursue happiness. She can be a princess today and she can be a sailor tomorrow. She can be a scientist today and a swimmer tomorrow, but for now she can be the child who doesn’t have to know limits. She can be the girl who doesn’t know the difference between her and the boy who lives across the street. She will know the differences as she grows old anyway but the only difference I will teach her for now is to differentiate between the good and the bad. I will teach her that people may try to take advantage of her and not because she is a girl but because there are bad people in this world.
She is allowed to skin her knee and she is also allowed to break someone else’s bones if needed. Yes, she is mine but even I won’t own her. I want her to know that she will be allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. She is lucky for even her dad will support her, spoil her. I want her to know that we will give her the best in our reach but in return we would expect her to value it, for there are many unprivileged.
I have dreams for her, so many of them but eventually she will realise her dreams when she grows old and I will have to accept. Today she has started walking, tomorrow I wouldn’t want her to run away from me. I hope I can be the mother, I think I should be.

At my narcissistic best

I realise I am conceited, I have been told so.
I know my reality, maybe you don’t know.
My struggles smothered me,
And lies soothed me at a time when the possible was slipping away from my fingers…

Most of what I see is a mirage,
The reality obscure and imagination captivating
The diaphanous glass lets me touch my nebulous reflection,
It’s faint yet overbearing.
I realise I am conceited, I have been told so.
I know my reality, maybe you don’t know.
My struggles smothered me,
And lies soothed me at a time when the possible was slipping away from my fingers…
I don’t display much, and what you perceive is a lie.
My rules may be slightly outrageous and possessiveness extreme,
But my life has been blotched, yours I understand is pristine.
Don’t weigh me on the same scale,
My worries have made me heftier.
I am better than you I believe, even though my wallet is emptier.
I may not react to anguish in the same manner as you…
I have learnt to live like this, no matter how crude!
Judge me, criticize me and call me what you do,
But remember that my world is my own,
& my feelings too!!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya


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Trying to understand my Baby girl

Poem on mother

I have so much to learn, she has so much to teach,

Her tiny grasp, & the world still out of reach…

She teaches silently, with eyes that shine like enstatite,

She notices everything acutely, she happens to have a keen sight

How her smile transforms into questions,

How she abhors what dissuades her, with apparent objection,

She’s not easy but intricate

Sometimes I read her like a passage and

Sometimes she is nothing less than an adage…

I wasn’t always strong, but she inspires me to be

She gives me that inconceivable strength

That only superhuman feel…

She trusts me more than I trust myself,

Makes me feel like I have finally excelled …

I don’t know if I was anything before she came,

She has added colours in the monochrome frame…

We will understand each other more,

As life unfolds itself,

Till then we’ll observe each other and try to comprehend as much as we can!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya