Stronger than before

If I ever have to choose between my heart and mind, I’d choose heart, time and again, always! The only reason is that the mind creates illusions, heart doesn’t; heart on the contrary is naïve it believes what it sees, and it doesn’t know reasoning. Even this time I chose to listen to my heart, and I am glad I did. Happiness I’d find you even in the dreariest of places, but sanity I need peace to find you. Four years, almost and it seems like I was losing a grip on life, existence had become painful and disdainful. So while I was amidst the struggle, he showed an exit, and life, an opportunity. Finally I could be someone more than I had imagined. Took me sometime, more than a month but I bounced back! Yes, this is me and such is life, I have been blessed with forgetfulness, I forget what makes me unhappy.

I came to senses and how is what I have segregated in parts, read if you’re going through a tough time. Maybe this will make sense.

Part 1- Denial

Bad things happen, we all get jolted by a sudden shocking episode that makes us or breaks us. We can’t stop the inevitable and we all understand that part yet when it eventually occurs we can’t believe it really happened to us. Yes, so I really couldn’t believe it. I am not a bad person, I didn’t deserve what happened, but it did and those I thought were close allies turned out to be too scared to stand by. So this was life asking me to accept them, eventually we are all looking out for ourselves. I still couldn’t believe the reality and this denial went on for a while, until I made it unbearable for those who loved me.

Part 2 – Realisation

As you grow old you realise you will be hurt time and again by almost everyone, at some point or the other, but eventually it’s a choice. You may or may not want to feel hurt especially if the person hurting has a temporary role in your life. Someone once told me, nothing’s permanent and now I understand even feelings aren’t. So I am over the hurt. I was sad, mostly angry but the anger within was consuming my self esteem. Every day I got up I felt emptier than before, it’s a depressing feeling. On some days I couldn’t sleep, and on the others I just wouldn’t wake up. This perpetual dialogue of why, how, and when, with the soul inside acted as a major obstacle. I knew I had to come to senses before sanity made peace with the incorrigible madness, but I didn’t know how to do it. At least I knew I was getting somewhere, I recognised the problem. Took me a lot more than I can actually pen down, but I learnt that I couldn’t let the temporary affect the permanent. What has happened is in the past, I couldn’t ruin a beautiful future sitting and moping. I decided to let go…

Part 3- love

Love is a generic word but it really helped. Actually, it always helps. Every time I wander away, it’s the love of people in my life that shows me the way back. So while I was struggling with my issues and felt utterly worthless my husband never let me astray. He let me contemplate but didn’t let me go. This is one reason I bounced back quicker than most. So, every time you feel challenged find that one soul, we all have that someone we can fall back on. Let them take care of you, let them guide you. No matter how wounded or vulnerable I am, I always feel strong with him around, find that source of constant energy. I am glad I held on, and I am glad he let me.

So having said that, I know things won’t stay the same always, happiness will still be ephemeral and I will still have my weak moments but I also know that I won’t give up. I won’t let my weakness take the best of me, rather I’d let it make me strong. I will get depressed again and again I will feel incompetent but I will have to learn to trust myself. I have existed and survived and it’s not something I cannot do anymore.

Belief does move mountains!!!

Rough Patch

My world came crashing down again

I realised once again I was betrayed

How, I didn’t know.

Why I had a faint idea.

I can’t afford to be a know it all,

The ball isn’t anymore in my court

I have been let down and I wish I could let them down,

The cycle still incomplete

I am stuck at the turnaround.

Move it, I screamed,

inside my head.

Move on, I cried,

Determined inside.

“You’re better than that, you always were”,

The forlorn heart tries to help.

But the lies too sharp

Gnawed at my heart

I was stuck, the limbs felt numb,

The reality harsh,

It really hurt.

I had met the sayers,

But the doers were dead…

They said something and did something else instead,

I understood conspiracies,

Once after they were hatched,

As I sat, all by myself.

Finally I started to solve the puzzle,

Every piece that fit,

Left me a tad more bewildered.

I understood the lies stacked,

And the people involved,

I could count them on my fingers before,

I eventually moved on,

I wouldn’t forget them or what they had done,

I will keep them in my memory,

Till their deeds come undone.

And when finally we meet,

I will look through them,

Like they never were a part of my realm.

To the Men Who Lie

Because objects shouldn’t have a voice,

And whatever objects, is never a choice.

There are men that knit stories of affection,

Stories of love, and stories of dedication.

They make you believe that you’re important than their life,

Then they tell the same thing to the next in line.

Yes, you’re like season and seasons always change,

There’s never one constant, but after every change, it rains.

Yes, feelings are important and they feel too much,

That’s also one reason why one woman, is seldom enough!

They lie unsurprisingly and it’s difficult to tell,

After all, they bind you with their bewitching spell.

They are dangerous, than danger itself,

Because they haven’t yet discovered themselves.

Every woman is nice as long as she falls for the charms,

But if she questions something, it raises an alarm.

Such men like their women timid,

That are meek and unarguably stupid,

Because objects shouldn’t have a voice,

And whatever objects, is never a choice.

They believe heartily that nothing is permanent,

And that’s their reason, for the short arrangements.

To the men that lie, we know who you are,

The times have changed, your lies have travelled afar.

To the men who lie, know our hearts have fortified,

The declaration of love, no longer makes us blind.

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

 

 

Circle of Life

I have been running around in circles,

With no set destination in mind,

The world around progressed too much,

& I got pulled far behind…

Circle of life, Changes through the years, walking out of the past, bidding goodbye to memories, memories, past

While I waited to live, the life almost got over &

I realized the mortal I was meant to be,

When I stood at the crossover,

The traffic of insecurities jammed the heart,

The web of memories fogged the path.

Life needed a closure I realised.

Of all the weary mistakes,

I understood, I was still paying the price.

Acclimatizing was even more difficult,

The world brimming with youth, and me much older…

Every day I elude the unacquainted smiles,

I avoid the greetings made by the passer-by’s.

It pierces my heart, to know that I don’t fit in any longer,

I try to act brave but my heart isn’t any stronger…

The day progresses and then comes to a halt,

& the tears wash away the anxieties at fall.

I want to give up desperately and not get up at all,

I still force the wrecked carcass to crawl.

Why, I still pretend I ask myself,

Why doesn’t this wretched journey ever end?

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya
Image Courtesy: Miriam Aroeste http://miriamaroeste.com/portfolio/

At my narcissistic best

I realise I am conceited, I have been told so.
I know my reality, maybe you don’t know.
My struggles smothered me,
And lies soothed me at a time when the possible was slipping away from my fingers…

Most of what I see is a mirage,
The reality obscure and imagination captivating
The diaphanous glass lets me touch my nebulous reflection,
It’s faint yet overbearing.
I realise I am conceited, I have been told so.
I know my reality, maybe you don’t know.
My struggles smothered me,
And lies soothed me at a time when the possible was slipping away from my fingers…
I don’t display much, and what you perceive is a lie.
My rules may be slightly outrageous and possession extreme,
But my life has been blotched, yours I understand is pristine.
Don’t weigh me on the same scale,
My worries have made me heftier.
I am better than you I believe, even though my wallet is emptier.
I may not react to anguish in the same manner as you…
I have learnt to live like this, no matter how crude!
Judge me, criticize me and call me what you do,
But remember that my world is my own,
& my feelings too!!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya


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How I motivate myself – Part 1

 

Till sometime back I used to be the most pessimistic person. My behaviour made me cynical to the extent that I was viewing things from a very different perspective. I was blaming myself for anything bad that happened to me. I wasn’t ready to trust people. Life is unfair, I told myself every second of the day and it was always I who paid exorbitantly for other people’s mistake. Nothing has changed, I am still the same person but I feel different. I am still confused with the way life is progressing but I don’t blame anyone for my problems. Life will never be same, as I am growing older, I need to become wiser and I have to earn enough experience before I start trying to understand anything cosmic. I was never supposed to understand how life works. It’s mystical, we need to let it unfold on its own. I have come to believe that the reason why someone else’s life is better than mine is because they are a different person. Each one of us is a different make, we came out differently, we were moulded differently, there’s a reason why we have different DNA and unique fingerprints. I was never supposed to be Steve jobs, I am supposed to be myself and I need to celebrate my being every day.

There were things that I learnt and there are things that I am learning every day. I started by opening my mind to possibilities but I didn’t let them restrict me. I learnt that everything that I do can be done differently using various approaches. I started calculating the repercussions each possibility would have. Yes, I confused myself in the process but I learnt how to weigh the good and the bad of every situation.

I don’t conclude things in the very beginning. I give them time to progress, to mature. Till sometime back I would judge a situation as it appeared; now I wait, wait for things to mature because I have learnt that most of our actions are the artefacts of the circumstances we are in. I have come to understand that I will never know any person or a situation ever, seasons change and we need to as well, to survive, to make through the day and to exist. I now believe, if my heart doesn’t agree to someone’s behaviour, my mind will have to because that person is how he is because of his present situation. That shouldn’t affect me, it is already affecting them and I can’t burden them with an opinion.

I have learnt bad things will happen. Sooner or later we will all come across a life altering event. The severity of which will be so intense that you’d lose yourself to problems knocking down like dominoes, one after the other. These moments will be nerve wrecking, every second will test your patience. Life will come to a standstill and your mind will race marathons. I have been there, I have sat in the dark, dejected, disappointed, and depressed only to realise I was letting the worst take over my best. I realised I could either sit there forever to see the world move like a bullet train or be a part of the train and deal with my problems one by one. My problems aren’t over, I am still dealing with them, one at a time but I don’t allow them to destroy me anymore. Now, I face my problems as they come, it became easier when I realised that the pain of facing them was exactly as long and as much as the one that I faced during getting injected. They shy away the moment you face them or maybe the newly found courage amps up your morale.

So yes, as they say, giving up seems like the easier thing to do, don’t! you may make excuses and get away but the problem will remain, deep down you’d always know the truth and that will never let you live peacefully. Have patience, it’s called virtue for a reason. Take time, and don’t care, you may feel like the last in the race but for as long as you are a part of the race its OK. I am not scared of failing anymore, failures have taught me the value of the prize. The real award is peace of mind and now I focus on accomplishing that.