My world came crashing down again
I realised once again I was betrayed
How, I didn’t know.
Why I had a faint idea.
I can’t afford to be a know it all,
The ball isn’t anymore in my court
I have been let down and I wish I could let them down,
The cycle still incomplete
I am stuck at the turnaround.
Move it, I screamed,
inside my head.
Move on, I cried,
“You’re better than that, you always were”,
The forlorn heart tries to help.
But the lies too sharp
Gnawed at my heart
I was stuck, the limbs felt numb,
The reality harsh,
It really hurt.
I had met the sayers,
But the doers were dead…
They said something and did something else instead,
I understood conspiracies,
Once after they were hatched,
As I sat, all by myself.
Finally I started to solve the puzzle,
Every piece that fit,
Left me a tad more bewildered.
I understood the lies stacked,
And the people involved,
I could count them on my fingers before,
I eventually moved on,
I wouldn’t forget them or what they had done,
I will keep them in my memory,
Till their deeds come undone.
And when finally we meet,
I will look through them,
Like they never were a part of my realm.
You can’t be both,
A happy mother & a successful working mom,
There was never such a thing as above,
Make a choice, you will have to,
When you grasp the tiny finger,
Withdraw, you can’t be happy forever…
Teach her to love,
Then teach her a thing about separation…
Soon she will get used to the absence, but would you?
Every day I leave her, I put up a brave face,
I am scared to get too used to her smiles,
I need to focus,
The reality is vile.
You’re not just a working mother,
You’re also a working woman,
So every moment is a challenge,
& the logics are weighed on a patriarchal scale.
I want to compete with men,
Be just like them,
Then I remember she must be waiting
& expecting this stranger anytime,
There is so much I will never be able to do,
Because I still can’t make a choice,
Her love is stronger &
So is my pride.
Does every mom choose?
Or does it come easy to them,
Are they allowed a refuge or
Are they always confused?
I still want both the worlds,
Someday, maybe she will understand,
Why I left her behind the doors &
Why I could never take a stand.
I have so much to learn, she has so much to teach,
Her tiny grasp, & the world still out of reach…
She teaches silently, with eyes that shine like enstatite,
She notices everything acutely, she happens to have a keen sight
How her smile transforms into questions,
How she abhors what dissuades her, with apparent objection,
She’s not easy but intricate
Sometimes I read her like a passage and
Sometimes she is nothing less than an adage…
I wasn’t always strong, but she inspires me to be
She gives me that inconceivable strength
That only superhuman feel…
She trusts me more than I trust myself,
Makes me feel like I have finally excelled …
I don’t know if I was anything before she came,
She has added colours in the monochrome frame…
We will understand each other more,
As life unfolds itself,
Till then we’ll observe each other and try to comprehend as much as we can!