Stronger than before

If I ever have to choose between my heart and mind, I’d choose heart, time and again, always! The only reason is that the mind creates illusions, heart doesn’t; heart on the contrary is naïve it believes what it sees, and it doesn’t know reasoning. Even this time I chose to listen to my heart, and I am glad I did. Happiness I’d find you even in the dreariest of places, but sanity I need peace to find you. Four years, almost and it seems like I was losing a grip on life, existence had become painful and disdainful. So while I was amidst the struggle, he showed an exit, and life, an opportunity. Finally I could be someone more than I had imagined. Took me sometime, more than a month but I bounced back! Yes, this is me and such is life, I have been blessed with forgetfulness, I forget what makes me unhappy.

I came to senses and how is what I have segregated in parts, read if you’re going through a tough time. Maybe this will make sense.

Part 1- Denial

Bad things happen, we all get jolted by a sudden shocking episode that makes us or breaks us. We can’t stop the inevitable and we all understand that part yet when it eventually occurs we can’t believe it really happened to us. Yes, so I really couldn’t believe it. I am not a bad person, I didn’t deserve what happened, but it did and those I thought were close allies turned out to be too scared to stand by. So this was life asking me to accept them, eventually we are all looking out for ourselves. I still couldn’t believe the reality and this denial went on for a while, until I made it unbearable for those who loved me.

Part 2 – Realisation

As you grow old you realise you will be hurt time and again by almost everyone, at some point or the other, but eventually it’s a choice. You may or may not want to feel hurt especially if the person hurting has a temporary role in your life. Someone once told me, nothing’s permanent and now I understand even feelings aren’t. So I am over the hurt. I was sad, mostly angry but the anger within was consuming my self esteem. Every day I got up I felt emptier than before, it’s a depressing feeling. On some days I couldn’t sleep, and on the others I just wouldn’t wake up. This perpetual dialogue of why, how, and when, with the soul inside acted as a major obstacle. I knew I had to come to senses before sanity made peace with the incorrigible madness, but I didn’t know how to do it. At least I knew I was getting somewhere, I recognised the problem. Took me a lot more than I can actually pen down, but I learnt that I couldn’t let the temporary affect the permanent. What has happened is in the past, I couldn’t ruin a beautiful future sitting and moping. I decided to let go…

Part 3- love

Love is a generic word but it really helped. Actually, it always helps. Every time I wander away, it’s the love of people in my life that shows me the way back. So while I was struggling with my issues and felt utterly worthless my husband never let me astray. He let me contemplate but didn’t let me go. This is one reason I bounced back quicker than most. So, every time you feel challenged find that one soul, we all have that someone we can fall back on. Let them take care of you, let them guide you. No matter how wounded or vulnerable I am, I always feel strong with him around, find that source of constant energy. I am glad I held on, and I am glad he let me.

So having said that, I know things won’t stay the same always, happiness will still be ephemeral and I will still have my weak moments but I also know that I won’t give up. I won’t let my weakness take the best of me, rather I’d let it make me strong. I will get depressed again and again I will feel incompetent but I will have to learn to trust myself. I have existed and survived and it’s not something I cannot do anymore.

Belief does move mountains!!!

Rough Patch

My world came crashing down again

I realised once again I was betrayed

How, I didn’t know.

Why I had a faint idea.

I can’t afford to be a know it all,

The ball isn’t anymore in my court

I have been let down and I wish I could let them down,

The cycle still incomplete

I am stuck at the turnaround.

Move it, I screamed,

inside my head.

Move on, I cried,

Determined inside.

“You’re better than that, you always were”,

The forlorn heart tries to help.

But the lies too sharp

Gnawed at my heart

I was stuck, the limbs felt numb,

The reality harsh,

It really hurt.

I had met the sayers,

But the doers were dead…

They said something and did something else instead,

I understood conspiracies,

Once after they were hatched,

As I sat, all by myself.

Finally I started to solve the puzzle,

Every piece that fit,

Left me a tad more bewildered.

I understood the lies stacked,

And the people involved,

I could count them on my fingers before,

I eventually moved on,

I wouldn’t forget them or what they had done,

I will keep them in my memory,

Till their deeds come undone.

And when finally we meet,

I will look through them,

Like they never were a part of my realm.

Dear Husband

Just like a tree rooted to the ground,

You have sheltered me from the troubles around.

When I look into your eyes,

My heart instantly smiles,

You’re still the same man,

Without a single vice.

This is what they call sincere love.

You’ve been the only constant,

In this ever-changing world.

You’ve been my sense and my nerve,

And the heartbeat, that constantly flutters.

You’ve pulled me up at my lowest &

Pushed me ahead when I froze,

You loved me at the weakest &

Appreciated me when I rose.

I am glad destiny brought us close &

I am glad our lives entwined,

I hope you remain my one true constant,

Even when I am done with life!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

Trying to understand my Baby girl

Poem on mother

I have so much to learn, she has so much to teach,

Her tiny grasp, & the world still out of reach…

She teaches silently, with eyes that shine like enstatite,

She notices everything acutely, she happens to have a keen sight

How her smile transforms into questions,

How she abhors what dissuades her, with apparent objection,

She’s not easy but intricate

Sometimes I read her like a passage and

Sometimes she is nothing less than an adage…

I wasn’t always strong, but she inspires me to be

She gives me that inconceivable strength

That only superhuman feel…

She trusts me more than I trust myself,

Makes me feel like I have finally excelled …

I don’t know if I was anything before she came,

She has added colours in the monochrome frame…

We will understand each other more,

As life unfolds itself,

Till then we’ll observe each other and try to comprehend as much as we can!

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

 

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Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya

Being Woman

 

Our job is easy as women.

Homemaker or a working professional… we don’t have to either thrive or strive for much,

We are women, we get it easy.

We can multitask, break our bones from early mornings till late hours without getting tired,

Why? That’s, because we asked for it!

Our family should always be our priority, yet, professionally we should do better than most men,

So that we get to stay at work comfortably.

We must carry babies for nine months and work without complain,

At home or in office, we should be able to sustain, the hardships and the pain.

We are women, we get it easy.

We do more than men yet on ‘Those’ days you can’t afford to get lazy.

Why? That’s because we were born to act crazy,

On certain days of the month.

The men will do better without us, or so they think, 

After all, we aren’t the crown, but just one of the jewels on it.

I am still struggling to understand ourselves,

A little more brain and a little just a face!

Yet, time and again I get confused,

When our appearance is being constantly judged and IQ ignored.

Our job will always remain easy, because we as women, hereditary asked for it,

We’d always be physically rusted and emotionally weak,

To those sitting on their egoistic peak.

We are women but that’s how we’ll survive, we are women & that’ll keep us alive.

We as women should know our worth,

No amount of labels that the world bestows upon us should ever shake our trust,

Yet, we are women and that’s maybe a curse, it’ll perhaps take another lifetime before we are valued more than dust.

Until then remember,

We may not be as mighty, as all their might, yet, as a woman let’s take pleasure in being our own knight.

Ⓒ Prakriti Kundaliya